My Alabaster Box

I feel like I've been grieving lately, and I've wanted someone to share with, so here's what's been on my mind.

When God first told us - very clearly - to return to Alaska, we thought we were supposed to start a YWAM base. Or a ministry. Or Something, anything. My very First thought was Really?? Do you Really want us to start a base, or do you know we're going to fail, but it's going to be a great character lesson? Yeah, wasn't the best response, I know.

Shortly afterward, I chastised myself for thinking that way. Of course God wants us to succeed! After all, aren't we just joining him in the field He's already been laboring in? Of course He wants us to do well! This is His dream we're wanting to accomplish! Loving people, serving, sharing His heart...

Yes, that.

After being here nearly 6 years, its beginning to look like none of that is going to happen.

I feel like we've failed.

I feel ashamed.

Remember the story of the lady with the Alabaster box? I feel like one of the guys in the room who shook his head at the apparent "waste". That could have been sold and given to the poor. Instead, you used it all up on this one person. Really?!?

I feel like I stumbled into Alaska with my Alabaster box. I wanted to do Big things. I wanted to help Lots of people. 

Instead I dropped the box. I lost vision. My dreams were dashed and broken, poured out and for all appearances - Wasted.

Initially, I felt betrayed. 

It would be like sending Jasmine on an errand to pick up a new bicycle, only to have her return crying, empty handed and confused. I went to the place you told me, but there were no bikes there?! So I asked around and looked around some more, but I just ended up getting lost...

"Oh, well- wasn't that a great little workout? Tromping through the woods, getting a little scratched up - let me see - that wasn't too bad though, was it? I thought you could use some exercise. Perseverance builds character you know!"

Except... it seems that scenario isn't really believing the best about God's character.
Actually, it's not. At all. 

Sometimes life is like a muddy pair of glasses. I know the person (Jesus) in front of me is perfect, it's just that I can't see clearly through these dang lenses.

He reassured me midway through our time here, "Fear not little flock, for it is the Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." I clung to that verse, and secretly hoped that would mean success! In starting Something. Doing Something. Preferably Something Big, that would make all our sacrifices seem worth the while. It was a comfort to think that God really wants the best for us (which He does). It's just that His idea of Best and mine seem to be two different things.

Last night I cried so hard. I feel like I need to have a funeral for the Dreams that have died.

When I realized that I felt like my Alabaster box had been wasted, it made me feel sad. I had always wanted to be like the lady in the story. I want to see the value of God and be willing to give anything to show Him how valuable He is to me. Instead, I found myself fuming on the sidelines for the apparent waste. 

As I sat on the edge of the bed, racked with sobs, Ethan placed his hand on my back and asked, "Do you think God wants to say anything to you about this?

I sat crying until I felt like Jesus whispered to me, "All I wanted was you."

But.... I want to give you the world! I want to wrap a ribbon round it and present it to you as the BEST GIFT EVER!! I want to show people how amazing you are so they will Love you!! I don't want to just give you me... I wanted to give you MORE!

It's a bit heart wrenching, and maybe a little freeing to realize, the only person I can really give to God is me.

Maybe we're not called to do Big things after all. Maybe we're just called to do small things with great love.

I can do that. And maybe in the future, I will choose to find joy in obeying, and not in the success I think it should bring...