Outtake: An outtake is a portion of a work (usually a film or music recording) that is removed in the editing process and not included in the work's final, publicly released version.
Facebook outtakes: the posts I have conveniently pruned from my well- manicured wall.
Gasp- wha?!? And here you thought my life was so perfect.
Setting the scene:
We are a missionary family who has downsized all our earthly belongings into a 7x14 utility trailer, traded our AWD car for a Suburban that guzzles gas like a lush, and are currently driving 5,000+ miles across the country with our four girls.
And a cat. Named Bob.
I've been sharing a lot of beautiful pics lately - roadtrippin it up!! But I realize those pictures are just half-truths, so here's your honest, behind-the-scenes look at life in the real.
What I show you:
See those beautiful skies?
Outtake:
The quart sized bags of puke waiting to be dropped at the next gas station. So far, three of our four girls have thrown up multiple times. Even Bob got in on the action one day. Wanna see that in your newsfeed?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
What I show you:
Birthday parties and happy times with family.
What you don't see:
How I died a little inside when Great Grandma Ann hugged the girls goodbye, and remarked I may not get to see you for two or three years.
This kind of move is not for the faint of heart.
What I show you:
Sofia thinking a run down gas station was our new home. Pretty funny, huh? Even I laughed out loud on that one.
What you may not realize:
That is just a creative way of saying: We are currently homeless.
Yes, I know we will get into a place when we land, but the strain of figuring out WHERE is sometimes crushing. Even last night, I felt almost angry that we are having such a hard time finding a spot to land. I told God how frustrated I felt - I feel angry! Why is this so hard? Why can't we figure things out?!? As I began to pray, a calm came over me as I remembered this verse:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Phillipians 4:6-7
God knows. He sees our needs. My job is to trust Him, even when my emotions and feelings are actively staging a rebellion. The fact is, God is trustworthy, and his ability to provide is boundless.
What I show you:
The lovely homes we are privileged to stay at, planning sessions before we begin to drive the next day.
What you don't see:
Ethan was so sick and congested when we stayed at this home that our first night of rest (after driving all night before), he sounded like Darth Vader with pneumonia. I actually recorded his snoring so I could play it for him - it was ridiculously LOUD!
Also, Sofia and I have had a bit of congestion since we started traveling a couple weeks ago.
Go away sickness, you are not appreciated!!
What I show you:
Bust shots with friends (so lovely).
What you don't see:
My insecurities.
The way I cringed when I saw how heavy I'm getting.
My secret hope that maybe we could cancel the rest of our get togethers so I could limit how many people get to see me in person.
The crushing reality that I weigh nearly as much now as I did when I was about to give birth to one of my girls. I have no one to blame but myself, but yikes! I wish I could lay the blame on someone or something- stress, moving, instability, life! This has been a slow gain, but finding the motivation to change is a bit like searching for an elusive white deer. Nearly impossible.
I think I've just decided I need to love myself where I am, on the way to where I'm going.
What I show you:
What a fun trip we're having! Scenery! Smiles!
What you don't see:
This is HARD.
It's like standing on a cliff, and staring across to the other side.
It's hearing a voice behind you say, walk straight - only for you to look down a mile to see jagged rocks.
It's being brave and stepping out on a bridge that forms as you walk.
It's leaving South Dakota and trusting that your passports will come before you cross into Canada (Hey Chelsey, here's the address of our last stop before Canada) - and they did!
It's putting your car up for sale a month prior to moving and signing it over to someone the morning of the day you were scheduled to move, so you can leave the state that afternoon.
It's taking your time to visit friends and family across the states, because
1) you don't know when you will in the states again, and
2) you don't have a long term place to land where you're going just yet.
It's trusting that God will provide your needs, and seeing them met on a daily basis.
It's the great Unraveling, living in circumstances that precede miracles, the stories that everyone wants to hear, but no one wants to sign up for. It's hard, but I will trust that there are beautiful stories are ahead.
Well, I think I've found the cure for Facebook envy: honesty.
Worked, didn't it?
