It's been awhile....

Because I write when I feel like it, and that hasn't been very much lately.... but these are my thoughts:


The world has gone mad. This threatens my personal peace factor immensely.
Earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, human trafficking, the economy - it's getting rough out there.  Not to mention the fact that I'm pretty sure we have neighbors who are dealing drugs, and Ethan's job is going to end the end of this month.
So I go to God, tell Him how upset these things make me, and I ask please, PLEASE let peace be the defining mark of my life. I think a lot, about everything, and often in multi-dimensional layers. And the fact that I read an obscene amount information on a daily basis probably contributes to the fact that I lean towards stress, anxiety, and general unrest. Sometimes I mirror the verse that says "they are ever learning, but never coming to the knowledge of the truth." Ouch. How did Paul know about me? I am learning, like Solomon, that an increase in knowledge is usually proportionate to the amount of grief it causes.


Chocolate, for instance. How can I eat it when the hands that labored to bring this product into my home probably belonged to some 10-year-old child who is missing a chance to go to school because he has to work all day to harvest cocoa? Also, how can I reach out to my neighbors if I am a mom? If Jesus returns during this season in my life, he'll probably find me in the kitchen, because that's where I spend most of my day - with dishes, cooking, art projects with the girls. Unless it's a sunny day - but I digress...


  This is just a small sampling of the things I think about. Anyway, last night I sat in my kitchen floor and cried (because Ethan is at a campout and I can cry wherever I want!) I sat and poured my heart out and felt God remind me "I am the Author and the Finisher of your faith. Your salvation is not dependent on your accomplishments - it is based on My work in you. And I WILL complete the work that I started in you. Don't freak out about what is going on right now. Just walk with Me." And I saw myself as a child taking her Father's hand - except the Father was a giant, and the girl (I) was o so small in comparison. And then I felt peace. Deep on the inside. So good.


I don't know why, but some days I feel godless. Empty and barren. Sometimes it is so empty I think it must be what it feels like to not know God at all. And I hate that feeling, but it makes me cry out to God - I need You! How does anyone live a life apart from You? And I think its easy to drown God out with our noisy lives, so busy with all the everyday things that must be accomplished or we will succumb to chaos. But I think after the necessary things are taken care of, some people end the day by stepping in a hamster cage and running more laps. I do it because night time is ME time - when the girls fall asleep and I can read and watch a movie or listen to something while I work on some miscellaneous project, and fill my mind with current events, and then the cycle repeats itself until I am fretting about things I have no power to change, except through prayer. I long for peace, but I don't find it until I quiet myself and listen. Reminds me of Isaiah 30, when God laments,
               In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. 


Why do we do this? Why do I do this? I'm not sure, but I am realizing those agonizing feelings of emptiness must be God's grace in my life. How long would I go if He did not draw me back? I think He is answering my prayer. Oh God, I want to desire You more than anything. I want to see people the way You see them. Draw my heart to Yourself, please help me to be the woman You know I am.
Yeah, I think He is answering my prayer.

Fair warning - I am random. 

But everything makes to me. Makes sense to me. See what I mean?

Okay, I'm going to circle back to what I wrote earlier - about always learning, and never coming to the knowledge of the truth. I was talking to Ethan about my lack of peace. We live in a trailer. Sometimes it feels small, but overall, I know that it is *AMAZING* in comparison to what most of the world lives in. So often I wonder - how can I in good conscience enjoy our life when I know there are so many living in poverty, children dying of preventable diseases and malnutrition? What about them? Sometimes I feel like I am living with survivor guilt. But Ethan was calm. God is a God of justice, and Heaven is forever. Don't you think God will take care of them? Umm, yes - good point there. I rest.


Sometimes knowing what is going on in this world can be overwhelming. But we must know that God is good. He is still on the throne. And although things are getting rough, he is not surprised. He may be grieved, but He is not impotent. He is fully capable of setting this world on its ear. Let justice roll on like a river; righteousness like a never ending stream! God is a Mighty Warrior, but he is also patient, not willing for any to perish. The same person I want to see God wreak havoc on may have a Mom shedding salty tears to see him come Home.


Paul, I am growing.
Ever learning, and slowly coming to the knowledge of the truth.
The truth is mightier than the lie.


THIS is my Father's world.
This IS my Father's world.
This is MY Father's world.
This is my FATHER'S world.
Amen. So be it.