Perfection

I feel like most of my adult life has been spent in the pursuit of perfection- wanting to look perfect, to keep my house nice, to have others admire my family, to achieve moral perfection, consistency, faithfulness, emotional stability - I have struggled to keep myself pleasing to God, but all of these things have not bought the peace I have sought. 

I have failed to achieve perfection - even in the slightest degree, and the disappointment with my imperfect self has marred all peace that Christ has offered to freely give. I am not perfect, although I have tried. I am not as organized as I would like to be, not as productive as I think I should be, I don’t spend as much time with my children as I ought to, and most of my prayers are self centered requests for God to make me into the woman He knows I can be. (Please tell me I can do better than this.)

I’ve thought before that Christ’s command to “Be ye perfect, even as your Heavenly Father is perfect” was not so much a command as it was him underlining the fact that perfection is impossible apart from Him. After all, no one’s perfect - right? So the fact that we are supposed to be perfect just magnifies the fact that we aren’t.

Well, my drive for perfection and moral excellence seems to have left Jesus on the sidelines. “You just wait right there while I try to live a good moral life so you’ll be happy that I tried to do in my lifetime what Jesus actually accomplished in His. You know - the favored part? The part where you shout down to onlookers - 

This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased?" 

That’s what I want. 
God’s smile. 
On me. 

How can I stand in the righteousness of Jesus and have God smile on me? 

I mean, if God sees Jesus every time He looks my direction, isn’t that approving look for Jesus, not me? If I am hidden behind the cross, covered by the blood, standing in the shadow of the Almighty - then where’s the relationship between me and God? The Word says that all my righteousness is like filthy rags before Him, that NO ONE has done good, no not one. They all, like sheep have gone astray. It seems no one has bragging rights when it comes to following Christ, because in every case, Christ first loved us. The only right to glory (on our part) comes from receiving the completed work of Christ, the gift that God has given. In reality, all glory is God’s because He is the one who took initiative to draw, to redeem, to save, to keep, to continue grooming and tending the vineyard until harvest time. Granted, He does do this work through people, but the work was  His idea!

Jesus, I repent. 

I change my mind and choose to change my actions to show that I cannot save myself. I am not good enough to be my own Savior and I never will be. I will be faithful to You, but I will not place hope in my own deeds. You alone can save. You alone can complete the work that you started in my life. I choose to trust in Jesus - completely and totally relying upon the completed work of Christ for my salvation. I will not despair when I fail to live up to my own expectations, nor will I become prideful and self-assured when my checklists are completed. I choose to trust in you alone. Help me to remember this. Thank you.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen