Days like these call for faith

Prelude: Last week Ethan was away on a wilderness trip with our students, and by the end of the week I just felt limp emotionally. Feeling low, unmotivated, and looking forward to bedtime - let this day be done already! However, we had a happy reunion yesterday, and it knocked the edge off of my sadness. This morning I woke up with thoughts swirling, and decided to catch them before they drifted away…

Days like these call for faith.

It’s easy to believe God loves the busy, the bountiful, the beautiful, the worker bees who end every day with a set of accomplishments in hand. Check!

It’s much harder to believe God loves the broken down, the down and out, the ones who failed - yet again, the ones who arrive at days end with an empty basket in tow, nothing to show for the day's labor.

I breathed. I lived another day. 

I took up space and feel regret for existing. And yet God looks at me, discouraged and disheartened and says I love you as much as you can be loved. Because miraculously, his love doesn’t adjust to reflect my performance for the day. It doesn’t go up or down according to my productivity or usefulness. It flatlines, not in a dead sort of way, but in an overabundant high-in-the-sky way. His love is beyond my ability to earn it. 

My worth doesn’t fluctuate from day to day, it was established at the cross. God has established my worth as THAT OF A GOD. My mind rejects the notion and refuses to believe - but there it is, written in red  

thorns on his head, 

nails driven through just to prove his love is matchless, and my worth is non-negotiable.

I cannot compete with this God. You win. You love more.

So I will do my meager part: the believing. 

The trusting in your goodness and unfailing character.

I will settle myself in the soil of your extravagant love. I will be like a tree nestled by a stream that never fails, with eager roots that burrow deeper down, down into the knowledge that you are always good and I am forever loved.

I will believe what you say. 

Help me to have faith - the kind that moves mountains, the kind that lets me see my end as you do, and empowers me to live it out. 

Measuring Sticks and Mirrors

A couple weeks ago I sat in the living room and shared with Ethan: “I feel like I never measure up! No matter how much I do, it is never enough!”

It's so frustrating to live with a constant sense of failure.

Ethan listened to my dejected words, then suggested, “We should pray and get rid of that measuring stick! Here, let's try something. Close your eyes and go where that measuring stick is and let's get rid of it!”

I closed my eyes and imagined taking Ethan's hand as we stepped into a very long room with white walls. I walked in expecting one measuring stick, but when I looked I was surprised to see several measuring sticks leaned up against the wall, all of them six or seven feet high.

Whoa. 

As I stared at them, I realized each measuring stick represented a woman in my life who was doing something better than I.  Better at being organized, better at keeping her house clean. They represented women who own their own businesses or are more established in a career, women with college degrees and grand accomplishments - none of which I will ever be able to rival.

I whispered to Ethan: “There are a lot of measuring sticks in here.”

“Okay,” he said -  “Let's get rid of them. Why don't you take them out of the room?”

Then he asked, “Where is your measuring stick?”

In my mind's eye, I looked down at my hand to see a ruler about 3 or 4 inches long. I felt bewildered. My ruler is really short.

Ethan immediately asked, “Why is it so short?”

Then it occurred to me: This measuring stick is my inheritance.

 : : : I'm going to interject here that I don't think I really understood what it meant at that time, for this tiny ruler to be my inheritance. But afterward, I thought about my mom and all the depression she experienced when I was growing up. I really think she had a lot of issues with insecurity and self-hatred. I imagine it's hard to pass on a healthy self-image when you are drawing from a bankrupt account. : : :

We both felt that I needed to give my mini ruler to God. We prayed together, but I didn't get a clear picture of what God wanted to trade me until about a week later.

 As I was praying about that vision I asked God again, “What will you trade me for this stick?!?”

I was immediately reminded of a poem I wrote several years ago. It was like a download, it flowed so easily. It was entitled "Looking Glass". As I remembered that poem, I felt like the Lord told me “I'm going to give you a mirror, but it's not going to show you what you look like, this mirror is going to show you how I see you."

That morning, I felt such Joy. I felt like God had placed puzzle pieces in front of me and was slowly allowing me to piece them together. 

I remembered the first time he spoke to me when I saw an acorn on the ground and glanced up to see a tree just beyond, and the Lord told me: You see yourself like an acorn, small and insignificant - but I see the tree that you will be. I see all your gifts and talents unfurled and on full display.

Then I remembered just a short bit ago reading Genesis when I came across the verse that said we were made in the image of God. For some reason, I've glazed over that verse so many times and never caught how powerful it is. 

 I am made in God’s image. 

There is something in me that reflects the image of God.

I remember reading that verse and weeping. If I really believed that there's something in me that reflects who God is, I think I could accept the way I am.

This weekend I attended a conference with Elisa Morgan, and her message seemed to reflect what God is doing in my life right now. Her books ran out before I could get to them, but when I saw this piece of jewelry I knew God wanted to remind me of his promise: 

“I'm going to give you a mirror, but it's not going to show you what you look like, this mirror is going to show you how I see you.” 

Beauty Full.

We could all use a mirror like that.

7 Simple Ways To Combat Depression

Several months ago, I shared a brutally honest post about my experience with depression. Afterwards, I realized that was only half the story. Here, I'd like to share some of the depression-fighting tools I have gained in the last decade+ of dealing with the Monster. 

1. Be honest.

I think we are reluctant to admit we are struggling with depression sometimes because it's awkward. Depression is an unseen enemy, and a hard one to justify. If you had a cold, people would know because of your coughing, runny nose and fever. Trying to explain an invisible sickness is hard because you can't prove it. However it's a necessary first step, because you will never take steps to fix something that's not broken.

Honesty is the realization that something is not as it should be, and the willingness to admit it.


2. Tell someone.

When I was about 6 months pregnant with my third girl, I remember standing in the kitchen visiting with a friend. As we chatted, I remember looking across at her and saying, "The happiest thought I have right now is that hopefully I will die while giving birth."

My friend looked across the room at me, then gently replied: That's not normal.

I hadn't realized - until that moment - that the thoughts and feelings I'd been experiencing weren't normal. Depression had become so familiar, I no longer recognized it as an intruder. 

We need the perspective of others to help us see what is a healthy sadness, and what has crossed the line into clinical depression. If you're not sure where you are on the emotional spectrum, a short conversation with a trusted friend will help you know where you are.

3. Go outside.

Wanna hear something ridiculous? I love nature, but I hate going outside. True story. 
I would be perfectly content to spend the majority of my life indoors- reading, baking, creating - I am a happy domesticated woman. 

However, going outside - even if it is only a few moments - gives me the greatest joy. I love busy bumblebees, mushrooms growing haphazardly across the lawn, heart-shaped clover, and brightly colored flowers. Science has proven that sunshine helps your body produce more serotonin, a chemical which affects your mood. So get outside! Pay attention to your surroundings. Turn off the notifications on your phone and set a timer for 10 minutes. How many lovely things can you spot in your yard, on your block, in your little corner of the world? 

More sun = more seratonin = happier mood

Instagram what you find. Those pictures will paint you into a happy corner.

4. Create a playlist. A happy one.

Music is like a drug. It has an incredible ability to affect your mood. Don't think so? 

You're in denial. Studies have shown that it is possible to improve your mood just by listening to music. Even sad music can help improve mood if you're having a hard time. Researchers have discovered that sad music is like having an empathetic friend around- it brings comfort to feel understood. Amazing, huh? 

Here's my advice:

Find songs that make you happy, encourage your heart, and make you want to move. Please, please find songs that speak truth. I once heard someone say that music is the most easily memorized form of lies, so find songs that reinforce what is lovely, good, and true. 

I only tell you this because I once downloaded a song by Lady Gaga because it was so upbeat - I love this song! - only to find out later it was essentially a song about someone getting so inebriated they couldn't stand straight.

Talk about buyer's remorse. Lesson learned though. Pay attention to the lyrics people!

Here are some of my favorites:

Fight Song by Rachel Patton

Overcomer by Mandisa

Gold by Britt Nicole

Priceless by For King and Country

Wherever you go by Audrey Assad

Unreachable by Dara MacLean

Hall of Fame by the Script

Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli

Happy by Pharrell Williams

Isn't She Lovely by Glee

5. Get acquainted with Sam E.

After I first shared my testimony at my home church (including the part about dealing with depression), a sweet friend showed up on my doorstep with a care package that included this supplement. I had never heard of it before, but apparently it's a great mood stabilizer. If you're interested, you can check it out here on Amazon.  

6. Start a gratitude journal. 

I know, I know- you've heard this one before, but this is truly a game changer.

I woke one morning and felt the familiar tug of despair. . . I knew there was no real reason for it, but it showed up, all the same. That morning, I distinctly remember walking into the bathroom to wash my hands. As I looked down at the soap, I noticed there were four little bubbles on the soap in the shape of a paw print.

When you are in the fog of depression, you don't notice things like that.

In that moment, I felt as though I had thrown myself a life preserver. Something had begun to shift in my brain. I had been looking for things to write in my gratitude journal so consistently that even when depression tried to take over, my brain wouldn't fully cooperate. Isn't that amazing?

Here's another way to look at it:

Your mind is like a massive field. Your thought patterns carve paths through that field.
For example:

     I'm so behind. Why can't I keep my house clean? I stink at organization.

     I'm such a failure at this. I'll never get better in this area. 

                                                         Conclusion: I'm such a loser.

Pretty soon, that path becomes so well worn that when you think I'm behind, your brain helps you zip over to your conclusion: I'm such a loser.

Gratitude helps you carve a new path.

Gratitude trains our minds to see beauty, even in the middle of chaos. Instead of slogging through those old mindsets, we create new paths that impart life, instead of discouragement.

After the habit of gratitude begins, that previous thought process shifts.

I'm so behind. Everything is so messy! Wait a second... 

if I lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling- voila! I can see an entire surface area 

in my house that is already cleeeean! 

Yes, this is an actual, real life thing I've done. Now don't you wish you had thought of that before?

And yes, staring at the ceiling actually made me happy. Then I was ready to tackle everything under the ceiling.

You should try it.

7. Replace the lies.


It's not enough to get rid of depression. You have to replace it. The void will be filled, whether you decide what to fill it with or not. So be intentional to replace those old thoughts.

One of the most powerful tools I discovered during a challenging season was this:

I get to choose joy.

I understand how frustrating it is to have people tell you, Get over it! when you're struggling. Honestly, I just want to smack them for assuming it's an easy thing to do.

However, regardless of our feelings, we do still have the power of choice. 

I once heard someone ask, Do you agree that it is wrong to disobey God's laws?

The answer- of course - was yes.

He then went on to ask, Wouldn't you agree that it is equally wrong to disobey the will of God?

Again, I answered Yes.

With that in mind, he asked, how do you respond to Paul when he writes to us:

Give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

`That was incredible for me. If it is God's will for me to give thanks, then it is a sin not to do so. Billy Graham once shared:

"Nothing turns us into bitter, selfish, dissatisfied people more quickly than an ungrateful heart. 

And nothing will do more to restore contentment and the joy of our salvation than a true 

spirit of thankfulness."

This is God's will. He wants us to live wholehearted, joy-full lives, and I'm sure he knows we can't live life to the full when we are clinging to dark thoughts.

Well, there you have it friends. These are the tools that have brought me joy.

Have you tried any of these things?
Is there anything you would add to the list?

The post where I talk about depression

Yesterday I’d had it. I’d been struggling for several weeks with depression, so - as I usually do when I’m having an especially hard time - I began to write. What follows is an unfiltered Brain flow from that writing session:

I once heard someone say that encouraging a depressed person to Cheer up! is about the same as encouraging a quadriplegic to swim in the Olympics. 

I agree. Some things are just not that simple.

I’ve experienced depression on a regular basis since I was in elementary school. Back then, it showed up as self hatred, self-harm, a feeling of worthlessness and the inability to concentrate. As a teenager, I would sit in class and stare at my assignments, reading and re-reading the same page over and over again, because I could not remember a single word I had read. 

I tried to describe it once- It’s like drowning. Someone walks by the pool and sees you smiling, and they think you’re fine. But you’re not. You just managed to get a gulp of air, a momentary relief, so you smile - but your next breath will be water. 

Depression is like standing in a pit 50 feet deep, surrounded by darkness. Someone walks by the top, shines their teeny flashlight in and says, “Hey! Just climb out! It’s easy.” and then they never stop to see if you’ve got a ladder or rope to climb out.

Depression is like wearing a weighted vest that makes every action - even the smallest one of getting out of bed in the morning - a major feat.

Depression is deceptive, and often takes on a first person voice. That voice becomes so loud, it drowns out all sound reasoning. It's like being locked in a room with despair.

It says:

Life is exhausting. All I really want to know is- can I be done yet?

I just need an exit door.

Cancer would be handy right now. With no will to live or desire to get better, I could be loved by all my good friends and family while I make a slow, guilt-free exit out of this world.

I feel purposeless. Life seems meaningless. 

I feel like my brain has gone “limp noodle.” You know, that thing toddlers do when they are just DONE, and they’re barely coherent enough to speak. Yep, limp noodle is how I feel lately. 

I came by it honest. My Mom tried to commit suicide when I was little. My brother and I lived with Grandparents during her time in the hospital - and a little bit afterwards. I heard that when it was time for her to be released, she didn’t want to go home. 

I totally get that. Adulting is hard.

Afterwards - and by afterwards, I mean for several years I watched depression take its toll on her. She would lay immobilized in bed, lamenting at what a horrible mother she was. My brother and I would stand and say, You’re a great Mom! We love you! 

Nothing we said could penetrate the fog….

___________________________________________________________

That’s as far as I got.

Later that evening - as in, last night - I pulled out my phone to set an alarm for the morning. As I scrolled through the numbers, I changed my mind. Instead of setting my alarm, I decided to ask God to wake me up when he wanted to spend time with me, and then I set my phone on the nightstand. 

This morning when I opened my eyes, I reached over to my phone to check the time: 5:59 AM. 

Instead of immediately getting up, I closed my eyes. A moment later, Bob, our cat, hopped onto our bed. He then crept up onto my shoulder, placed a paw on my face, and started purring…. Okay, okay- I’m up already!

On my way down the stairs, a song began playing in my mind. The words were a verse in Jeremiah 33:3 that says “Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and unsearchable things that you do not know.”

Pretty cool. Now I was starting to feel kind of eager. I wonder what God wants to say to me today? 

I set down at the table and read my daily Bible and the passage was found in Isaiah 41.

These verses especially stood out to me:

Why do you say, Jacob, and complain, oh Israel, 

“My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know? Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary 

they will walk and not be faint.

Also,

So do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I felt so encouraged by these words that I copied them into my planner for the day, as a reminder that God is the one who helps me.

A few moments later, I grabbed a book (Power of A Praying Woman, to be exact) and randomly opened it to a chapter entitled, Lord, show me how to take control of my mind.

I began reading Stormie Omartian’s account, and felt jolted. She shared that her husband was gone on a trip, and her children were each at a friend’s house. She was excited, because she had hoped to get a lot of writing done while they were gone. However, after they had left, she began to feel very sad to the point of depression, and just ended up sitting in her room crying. She prayed that God would help her to know what was wrong, and decided to fast until he revealed to her what it was. After a full day, she woke up at four in the morning, and began reading her Bible. She came on Isaiah 61:3 and read about exchanging the garments of praise for the spirit of heaviness. It was then that she realized she was dealing with the spirit of heaviness. She immediately began to praise God, and read his word out loud. After about 20 minutes of this, she felt the deep heaviness lift, and realized she had been under spiritual attack.

I kept reading as she addressed how to recognize the plans of the enemy- specifically the lies we allow ourselves to believe and how to exchange those thoughts for God’s.

“You don't have to live with confusion or mental oppression. You don't have to ‘walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardening of their heart.’ (Eph 4:17-18) Instead you can have clarity and knowledge. Even though your enemy tries to convince you that your future is as hopeless as his, or that you are a failure with no purpose, value, gifts, or abilities, God says exactly the opposite. Believe God and don't listen to anything else.”

I felt deeply touched, and I know that was God encouraging me to fight. 

God is so good. Maybe it’s a little early to thank him for delivering me out of depression’s grip, but I’m going to do it anyway. Because that’s what faith does. This morning was beautifully orchestrated, a sweet gift, and I’m taking it as a sign that this hopelessness has no right to live here. 

Thanks God. You are so good.

Maybe you knew this already, but just in case you didn't know (in a whisper voice) I'm not perfect.

Congratulations! You're not perfect! It's ridiculous to want to beperfect anyway. But then, everybody's ridiculous sometimes, exceptperfect people. You know what perfect is? Perfect is not eating ordrinking or talking or moving a muscle or making even the teensiestmistake. Perfect is never doing anything wrong - which means neverdoing anything at all. Perfect is boring! So you're not perfect!Wonderful! Have fun! Eat things that give you bad breath! Trip overyour own shoelaces! Laugh! Let somebody else laugh at you! Perfectpeople never do any of those things. All they do is sit around and sipweak tea and think about how perfect they are. But they're really notone-hundred-percent perfect anyway. You should see them when they getthe hiccups! Phooey! Who needs 'em? You can drink pickle juice andimitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wearfunny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a goodperson. Good people are hard to find nowadays. And they're a lot morefun than perfect people any day of the week.

~Stephen Manes, Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days!

Perfection

I feel like most of my adult life has been spent in the pursuit of perfection- wanting to look perfect, to keep my house nice, to have others admire my family, to achieve moral perfection, consistency, faithfulness, emotional stability - I have struggled to keep myself pleasing to God, but all of these things have not bought the peace I have sought. 

I have failed to achieve perfection - even in the slightest degree, and the disappointment with my imperfect self has marred all peace that Christ has offered to freely give. I am not perfect, although I have tried. I am not as organized as I would like to be, not as productive as I think I should be, I don’t spend as much time with my children as I ought to, and most of my prayers are self centered requests for God to make me into the woman He knows I can be. (Please tell me I can do better than this.)

I’ve thought before that Christ’s command to “Be ye perfect, even as your Heavenly Father is perfect” was not so much a command as it was him underlining the fact that perfection is impossible apart from Him. After all, no one’s perfect - right? So the fact that we are supposed to be perfect just magnifies the fact that we aren’t.

Well, my drive for perfection and moral excellence seems to have left Jesus on the sidelines. “You just wait right there while I try to live a good moral life so you’ll be happy that I tried to do in my lifetime what Jesus actually accomplished in His. You know - the favored part? The part where you shout down to onlookers - 

This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased?" 

That’s what I want. 
God’s smile. 
On me. 

How can I stand in the righteousness of Jesus and have God smile on me? 

I mean, if God sees Jesus every time He looks my direction, isn’t that approving look for Jesus, not me? If I am hidden behind the cross, covered by the blood, standing in the shadow of the Almighty - then where’s the relationship between me and God? The Word says that all my righteousness is like filthy rags before Him, that NO ONE has done good, no not one. They all, like sheep have gone astray. It seems no one has bragging rights when it comes to following Christ, because in every case, Christ first loved us. The only right to glory (on our part) comes from receiving the completed work of Christ, the gift that God has given. In reality, all glory is God’s because He is the one who took initiative to draw, to redeem, to save, to keep, to continue grooming and tending the vineyard until harvest time. Granted, He does do this work through people, but the work was  His idea!

Jesus, I repent. 

I change my mind and choose to change my actions to show that I cannot save myself. I am not good enough to be my own Savior and I never will be. I will be faithful to You, but I will not place hope in my own deeds. You alone can save. You alone can complete the work that you started in my life. I choose to trust in Jesus - completely and totally relying upon the completed work of Christ for my salvation. I will not despair when I fail to live up to my own expectations, nor will I become prideful and self-assured when my checklists are completed. I choose to trust in you alone. Help me to remember this. Thank you.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen