The post where I talk about depression

Yesterday I’d had it. I’d been struggling for several weeks with depression, so - as I usually do when I’m having an especially hard time - I began to write. What follows is an unfiltered Brain flow from that writing session:

I once heard someone say that encouraging a depressed person to Cheer up! is about the same as encouraging a quadriplegic to swim in the Olympics. 

I agree. Some things are just not that simple.

I’ve experienced depression on a regular basis since I was in elementary school. Back then, it showed up as self hatred, self-harm, a feeling of worthlessness and the inability to concentrate. As a teenager, I would sit in class and stare at my assignments, reading and re-reading the same page over and over again, because I could not remember a single word I had read. 

I tried to describe it once- It’s like drowning. Someone walks by the pool and sees you smiling, and they think you’re fine. But you’re not. You just managed to get a gulp of air, a momentary relief, so you smile - but your next breath will be water. 

Depression is like standing in a pit 50 feet deep, surrounded by darkness. Someone walks by the top, shines their teeny flashlight in and says, “Hey! Just climb out! It’s easy.” and then they never stop to see if you’ve got a ladder or rope to climb out.

Depression is like wearing a weighted vest that makes every action - even the smallest one of getting out of bed in the morning - a major feat.

Depression is deceptive, and often takes on a first person voice. That voice becomes so loud, it drowns out all sound reasoning. It's like being locked in a room with despair.

It says:

Life is exhausting. All I really want to know is- can I be done yet?

I just need an exit door.

Cancer would be handy right now. With no will to live or desire to get better, I could be loved by all my good friends and family while I make a slow, guilt-free exit out of this world.

I feel purposeless. Life seems meaningless. 

I feel like my brain has gone “limp noodle.” You know, that thing toddlers do when they are just DONE, and they’re barely coherent enough to speak. Yep, limp noodle is how I feel lately. 

I came by it honest. My Mom tried to commit suicide when I was little. My brother and I lived with Grandparents during her time in the hospital - and a little bit afterwards. I heard that when it was time for her to be released, she didn’t want to go home. 

I totally get that. Adulting is hard.

Afterwards - and by afterwards, I mean for several years I watched depression take its toll on her. She would lay immobilized in bed, lamenting at what a horrible mother she was. My brother and I would stand and say, You’re a great Mom! We love you! 

Nothing we said could penetrate the fog….

___________________________________________________________

That’s as far as I got.

Later that evening - as in, last night - I pulled out my phone to set an alarm for the morning. As I scrolled through the numbers, I changed my mind. Instead of setting my alarm, I decided to ask God to wake me up when he wanted to spend time with me, and then I set my phone on the nightstand. 

This morning when I opened my eyes, I reached over to my phone to check the time: 5:59 AM. 

Instead of immediately getting up, I closed my eyes. A moment later, Bob, our cat, hopped onto our bed. He then crept up onto my shoulder, placed a paw on my face, and started purring…. Okay, okay- I’m up already!

On my way down the stairs, a song began playing in my mind. The words were a verse in Jeremiah 33:3 that says “Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and unsearchable things that you do not know.”

Pretty cool. Now I was starting to feel kind of eager. I wonder what God wants to say to me today? 

I set down at the table and read my daily Bible and the passage was found in Isaiah 41.

These verses especially stood out to me:

Why do you say, Jacob, and complain, oh Israel, 

“My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know? Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary 

they will walk and not be faint.

Also,

So do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I felt so encouraged by these words that I copied them into my planner for the day, as a reminder that God is the one who helps me.

A few moments later, I grabbed a book (Power of A Praying Woman, to be exact) and randomly opened it to a chapter entitled, Lord, show me how to take control of my mind.

I began reading Stormie Omartian’s account, and felt jolted. She shared that her husband was gone on a trip, and her children were each at a friend’s house. She was excited, because she had hoped to get a lot of writing done while they were gone. However, after they had left, she began to feel very sad to the point of depression, and just ended up sitting in her room crying. She prayed that God would help her to know what was wrong, and decided to fast until he revealed to her what it was. After a full day, she woke up at four in the morning, and began reading her Bible. She came on Isaiah 61:3 and read about exchanging the garments of praise for the spirit of heaviness. It was then that she realized she was dealing with the spirit of heaviness. She immediately began to praise God, and read his word out loud. After about 20 minutes of this, she felt the deep heaviness lift, and realized she had been under spiritual attack.

I kept reading as she addressed how to recognize the plans of the enemy- specifically the lies we allow ourselves to believe and how to exchange those thoughts for God’s.

“You don't have to live with confusion or mental oppression. You don't have to ‘walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardening of their heart.’ (Eph 4:17-18) Instead you can have clarity and knowledge. Even though your enemy tries to convince you that your future is as hopeless as his, or that you are a failure with no purpose, value, gifts, or abilities, God says exactly the opposite. Believe God and don't listen to anything else.”

I felt deeply touched, and I know that was God encouraging me to fight. 

God is so good. Maybe it’s a little early to thank him for delivering me out of depression’s grip, but I’m going to do it anyway. Because that’s what faith does. This morning was beautifully orchestrated, a sweet gift, and I’m taking it as a sign that this hopelessness has no right to live here. 

Thanks God. You are so good.